I don’t like stating the bleeding obvious, or being predictable, but it really is impossible to use the words ‘Heath Robinson’ without also saying ‘contraption’ You try it. Although I did think that surprise had something to do with my loss of verbal control.
This is how it happened. My Dad coaches one of the top football teams (can’t tell you which for reasons of discretion) and he's always let me tag along to training sessions at weekends and in the summer holidays, so I always got to know the players, seeing them come and go as I grew up. A couple of summers ago, when I was fourteen, he said he didn’t want me to join in the swimming pool sessions, last year it was no shorts, and at the beginning of this holiday he presented me with a track suit – expensive, top-of-the range, very nice, but bloody baggy! I knew what he was up to, of course, I’m not stupid, but no amount of argument would have him change his mind. Last summer I eventually gave in, not without sulking. This summer, no problem, meek as the proverbial!
And the reason for that?
This is how it happened. My Dad coaches one of the top football teams (can’t tell you which for reasons of discretion) and he's always let me tag along to training sessions at weekends and in the summer holidays, so I always got to know the players, seeing them come and go as I grew up. A couple of summers ago, when I was fourteen, he said he didn’t want me to join in the swimming pool sessions, last year it was no shorts, and at the beginning of this holiday he presented me with a track suit – expensive, top-of-the range, very nice, but bloody baggy! I knew what he was up to, of course, I’m not stupid, but no amount of argument would have him change his mind. Last summer I eventually gave in, not without sulking. This summer, no problem, meek as the proverbial!
And the reason for that?
Aha, as I said, I’m not stupid, so I’m not telling you his name. Suffice it to say, lest you think the obvious, he wasn’t one of the footballers. No, he was one of their Dads – bet you weren’t expecting that were you? Anyway, to cut what might be getting a too long story short, him and me had been getting on really well for a few months, if you know what I mean, so when the team got to the European Cup and were away for a week I decided I'd surprise my bloke by turning up at his house to spend some quality time together.
Well, he was surprised, yeah, but so was I, because the first time I went into his bedroom there was this … well, believe you me, ‘Heath Robinson contraption' is the only word. Levers and pulleys and swivels and angles and chains and all sorts of springy spikes and slightly sharp-edged bits and pieces. Being of a practical disposition, it took me ten seconds max to work out what it was.
‘So,’ I said, demonstrating I was an understanding sort of girl, ‘You put your foot in here,’ (indicating) ‘or your hand here,’ (ditto) ‘move it up and down, faster the better, and Bingo, you got pain.’
He went red, poor sod, all embarrassed and a bit woebegone too, like a little boy caught with his hand down his trousers and a dirty magazine under the mattress, but me, I’m dead straight as well as practical so I said ‘Look, love, if it’s flagellation you want, absolutely no worries, I only charge triple rates.' He should’ve known that already, it was on the card I gave him at the beginning – as I said, I don’t like stating the bleeding obvious.
Well, he was surprised, yeah, but so was I, because the first time I went into his bedroom there was this … well, believe you me, ‘Heath Robinson contraption' is the only word. Levers and pulleys and swivels and angles and chains and all sorts of springy spikes and slightly sharp-edged bits and pieces. Being of a practical disposition, it took me ten seconds max to work out what it was.
‘So,’ I said, demonstrating I was an understanding sort of girl, ‘You put your foot in here,’ (indicating) ‘or your hand here,’ (ditto) ‘move it up and down, faster the better, and Bingo, you got pain.’
He went red, poor sod, all embarrassed and a bit woebegone too, like a little boy caught with his hand down his trousers and a dirty magazine under the mattress, but me, I’m dead straight as well as practical so I said ‘Look, love, if it’s flagellation you want, absolutely no worries, I only charge triple rates.' He should’ve known that already, it was on the card I gave him at the beginning – as I said, I don’t like stating the bleeding obvious.
http://readingbypublight.blogspot.com/2012/03/3-word-week-36.html
I.) flagellate - tr. v. 1. To whip or flog; scourge., 2. To punish or impel as if by whipping.
adj. 1. Biology Flagellated., 2. Resembling or having the form of a flagellum; whiplike.
3. Relating to or caused by a flagellate organism.
n. An organism, such as a euglena, that is equipped with a flagellum.
II .) Heath Robinson - adj. - Absurdly complex and fancifully impractical. (The term was coined after W. Heath Robinson [1872 - 1944], a British artist known for drawing ingeniously complicated devices.)
III .) woebegone - adj. - 1. Affected with or marked by deep sorrow, grief, or wretchedness.
2. Of an inferior or deplorable condition: a rundown, woebegone old shack.
I.) flagellate - tr. v. 1. To whip or flog; scourge., 2. To punish or impel as if by whipping.
adj. 1. Biology Flagellated., 2. Resembling or having the form of a flagellum; whiplike.
3. Relating to or caused by a flagellate organism.
n. An organism, such as a euglena, that is equipped with a flagellum.
II .) Heath Robinson - adj. - Absurdly complex and fancifully impractical. (The term was coined after W. Heath Robinson [1872 - 1944], a British artist known for drawing ingeniously complicated devices.)
III .) woebegone - adj. - 1. Affected with or marked by deep sorrow, grief, or wretchedness.
2. Of an inferior or deplorable condition: a rundown, woebegone old shack.
Oh dear. I'm not sure I'd have got there from those three words! Interesting take on it. I like the way you've built up the character.
ReplyDeleteAJ - I didn't know I'd be getting there either - one of those instances where the words just took over.
ReplyDeleteWonderful I loved the way you worked the words in.
ReplyDeleteIt scares me sometimes where my words take me. Makes me wonder if I have a lot of sub-conscious 'stuff' trying to get out!
ReplyDeleteYou used the words much better than I did.
ReplyDeleteI actually reworked my poem Yesterday don't mean / tell-little.
The new version only has a couple of the 3 Word Week words, and I no longer claim that the poem is linked to 3WW. (The original version felt forced, too convoluted to me; it still does, actually, but I'll edit the newer version later.)
Your piece is an excellent, natural/effective read, my friend. =)
A couple of summers ago, when I was fourteen...... Clearly, then, this is fiction!
ReplyDeleteYou ARE a wicked girl, just as I suspected.By the way, in the United States, the name most associated with complex machine designs is Rube Goldberg.
http://www.rubegoldberg.com/