“Sean ... it’s just occurred to me .. you’re not married are you?”
“Married? Do you think I’d be behaving like this with you if I was?
“No .. I suppose not ...”
“Didn’t your mother ever tell you I would’ve married you?”
“What? My mother? Marry me? ... no, she’s never mentioned it, never ... when? ... why didn’t I know about it?”
“It was that morning I came to your house, just after the funeral, I was waiting along the road, hoping to see you, needing to know how things were between us and she came along and stopped and spoke to me. I thought she was going to have a go at me, thought you’d’ve told her how I treated you .. but no, she said what a state you’d been in, crying in your room all the time, and that nothing she said made any difference, then said that seeing me would help get you out of it, because talking hadn’t helped ... I was totally knocked out at what she was hinting, couldn’t believe it at first ... but then she asked about taking precautions ... and I said no, I couldn’t do that ... so she said in that case it had to stop, she didn’t want you a mother at sixteen when you were too young to know what you were letting yourself in for. And she was really fierce about that – if I’d tried to argue I’m sure she’d’ve stopped me coming to see you at all, and I was that desperate ... And although I knew it was far too early to suggest it, I wanted her to know I was serious so I told her I would marry you, but she said I was not to say anything at all to you about that. And then she said “you’d better go and see her now to break it to her it’s got to stop” and said no-one else was at home, so I think she knew what would happen ...”
“And I made it so hard for you ... was such a selfish cow and couldn’t see reason ... oh god Sean, will I never finish being sorry for the way I behaved then? But ‘serious’?, serious about me, enough to think of marrying me? ... I didn’t know, don’t think I ever thought that far ahead ...”
“There were times during those weeks when I didn’t believe you used your brain to think with at all. I’d thought she would’ve told you later, but with you going on to university ... you’d’ve missed all that if we’d married, I suppose she didn’t want you finishing up with someone uneducated ...”
“No! – she’d never have taken that view, after all, Dad wasn’t ‘educated’ - my natural father was, but apart from his education he was not a lot of use to her, so she’d never say that ... but even so, I’d’ve liked to have been told ... liked to’ve been asked.”
“You would’ve said ‘yes’ like a shot wouldn’t you? If it meant I could have you every day? But if you had, we’d never be sitting here now – you’d not be looking so lovely and fresh, and I’d not be enjoying having a bit of money behind me, and the freedom to take a few days off work to climb a hill with you – we’d be struggling to make ends meet with four or five kids, in some rented place somewhere – and that’s why your mum was so determined I didn’t mention it to you then. And I think she was right to do so, even though I knew you wouldn’t agree at the time.”
“So you were happy to just walk away? ... just to leave me without you? ... me not knowing that you cared that much? Do you know how close I came to following Sophy’s example and throwing myself in the river – I tried for months to get over you, thought I’d never manage to lead a life without you, it just got worse and worse because I thought you couldn’t possibly care if you were going with Caroline so soon after ...”
“Only because you had Johnny ... she’d made the first move and I was using her to try and get over you ... I saw that Johnny had taken my place, that he was taking care of you – I was glad for you that he was, but I was going through hell, and of course I wasn’t happy but ...”
“But I didn’t have Johnny ... Johnny didn’t have me, because I couldn’t forget you ... not that he ... Look – Johnny’s my family, my cousin, my friend ... I love Johnny, he loves me, he takes care of me, I’d never have managed without him those first few weeks ... BUT ... but there is not, there hasn’t been, not since you, there never has been that extra ... that need for him that I feel for you.”
“So we’ve got lust going for us ... is that enough? do you think that’s enough? enough to build a marriage on?”
“ ‘Enough to build a marriage on’? Is that a proposal? No, don’t make that a proposal ... I’d say lust on its own isn’t enough, probably, but we don’t just have lust, there’s a lot more between us ... I know there is ...”
“Such as?”
“Such as honesty, such as respect – we always could talk to each other, I always trusted you, was always comfortable with you, but yesterday, coming to you after so long, I see just how ... how honourable a person you are, how strong and solid ... and trustworthy. Believe you me, there aren’t that many people around as solid as you ... and I think you must care for me to have taken the trouble to make me see what you made me see yesterday ... that you won’t be fucked around with ...”
“Don’t use that language – it’s ugly in a woman,“
“ ... you won’t be messed around with ... and you cared enough to forgive me for ... for going with Johnny first ... I don’t think it’s just lust you feel for me ... any more than it’s just lust I feel ... Oh Christ, Sean, I can’t help it but I still love you as much as I ever did, all those years of trying to get over you, they haven’t worked, since yesterday, as soon as I saw you, it’s just as bad as it always was.”
“Just as bad? Why bad, Bridie?”
“Because ... because if I’ve got it wrong about you caring I’m going to have to learn all over again to do without you and I don’t think I can do it ...”
“Bridie, my darling, you don’t have to ... I do care, I want nothing more than to stay together ... but you must have plans already, a future already in place, surely?”
“Nothing I wouldn’t change ... “
“That’s what I’m afraid of - you changing to be with me, and then finding it was a mistake, and being unhappy. You have no more idea of my life now than I know of what you intend to be doing ...”
“Then tell me, show me what your life is ... don’t you understand – I don’t care so long as I’m with you ... so long as you ... want me ... you don’t even have to marry me if you don’t want ... just ...”
“Of course I’ll marry you, of course I want to marry you ...”
“Then why don’t you ask me? Me instead of my bloody mother?”
“Christ, Bridie – you haven’t grown up at all have you? – you sound just like you did when you were sixteen – the only difference is that then you were demanding that I shagged you and now you’re demanding that I marry you! You’re still wanting, wanting and unwilling to wait or to see sense ... but you’re going to have to learn to wait because I’ll ask you to marry me when I’m ready to, when I’m sure that our marriage will not fail, and not before.”
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